Should Relationships Take Effort?
Dear ROXanne,
Should relationships take “effort”? Not sure whether changing for someone is part of growing or if you’re supposed to come together naturally… would love your thoughts.
Sincerely,
Effort(less)(ful)
Dear Effort(less)(full),
First, let’s establish that relationships do take effort. Loving is an action, a practice, as much as it is an emotion. Real, deep loves don’t arise out of nothing. They aren’t necessarily the most electric, not the most consuming, not the most euphoric. Deep loves are more subtle, they develop slowly under the right conditions, they grow sturdy, their roots grow deep. This sort of love does take work. It requires commitment, it requires courage and yes, effort. And in it’s ideal form, it’s real, desirable form (contrary to the narrative that’s forced down our throats in pop culture) it’s an subtle but undeniable connection between two people that facilitates the growth of both.
In this sort of love, both partners’ lives get bigger. They both change, but not necessarily for the other person. They change because of the other person, thanks to the other person, they grow in ways they’ve long wanted to. Both partners uncover a deeper, more authentic part of themselves that was previously smothered in some way.
This growth is profound. It feels deeply, entirely, right. And most importantly, love of this sort leaves you at peace.
This is an important distinction. Often, we mistake inner conflict for passion. We blame destiny, we use terms like ‘soulmate,’ we think the relationship must be something special if we care about it this much. We’re consumed, ecstatic then devastated, but never really at peace.
This is not love. This is attachment. And it’s an attachment that you deserve to grow beyond the bounds of.
Love does require change. It does require action on your part. Your soulmate will not magically arrive and solve all your problems. It will be uncomfortable. But the effort will feel natural, it will feel peaceful, and as a default, it will feel deeply, profoundly right.
Much love (the real kind),
ROXanne