LET'S DEBUNK KINK: KINK 0100 & 0200
Content Warning: Includes depictions of sex and a discussion of BDSM, kinks, and fetishes. We acknowledge that these are not the only triggers in this piece.
Am I Kinky?
It looked like a pizza cutter with spikes. My ex rolled it down my thigh and I shivered in a good way. Outside, a world away, the blizzard threatened to wipe away everything that was not us. A perfect night to try kink.
“Do you see why I like it?” they said.
“I don’t know,” I said.
I wish I could have a class on kink. KINK 0100: an exploration of myself and my desires. What counts as kink? Do I like that? Then KINK 0200: a guide for those who want to broach the subject of kink with a partner. How to ask for it, how to try it.
Now, four years later and decidedly kinkier, I write to design these imaginary courses for anyone else who might need help exploring kink.
KINK 0100: WTF is Kink?
Let me be clear from the outset: I have limited knowledge and experience. I’m 22 and not that excitingly kinky. I’m a hardcore switch (sometimes a sub, sometimes a dom). I like tying and being tied, I like blindfolds and teasing. I like being dommed and punished when I feel safe, respected, loved. I don’t know much about kink outside of BDSM.
But some things I do know. I know kink scares people. Sex is scary enough on its own, why add uncertainty? Popular culture would have you believe that kinky people are sexual deviants predisposed to kink like a condition. We presume a problem. We pathologize. Trauma or a painful childhood, surely. When we think kink, we do not think normal.
I once dated a lovely, kinky woman. She was a great poet, she offered me her home when I wasn’t sure if I would have somewhere to live, and when I asked her how she was, she cataloged her days in excruciating detail. She also wanted to be verbally degraded while she fucked. I couldn’t do that for her. I wasn’t comfortable calling her a slut.
“It’s not that I want to be seen that way,” she said. “Of course not. I only enjoy the talk when I know the person doesn’t mean it. There are some people who I would never ask to say those things. I have to trust the person to turn around after we’re done and snuggle me.”
It is perfectly normal to be interested in kink and conflicted about the politics. Domination and submission come with baggage. But marginalized people should be able to enjoy submission in the bedroom without fear of judgment. What my ex wanted in the bedroom did not change what she wanted from the world, and that should be respected.
It is also perfectly normal to enjoy one kind of kink and not another. I loved it when this ex bit my neck and pulled my hair, even when she choked me, but I couldn’t humiliate her.
“I can try?” I said.
“That’s OK,” she said. “I don’t want to do anything you don’t want to do.”
At this point in the course, I have to define some terms so we know what we’re discussing. When we talk about kink, we conflate too many topics. Kink is different from BDSM is different from fetish.
Kink is an umbrella term that encompasses all sexual activities that involve stimuli we don’t typically associate with traditional, Puritan-y sex (sex that we kinky people call “vanilla”). Kink involves everything from spanking to hickeys to BDSM.
BDSM is a category within kink. All BDSM is kinky, but not all kinky stuff is BDSM. Think: Kink = rectangle, BDSM = square. BDSM stands for Bondage & Discipline, Sadism & Masochism, Dominance & Submission—some letters repeat. Here is a great article that explains every letter and why it’s popular in books, but for brevity’s sake, I like to think about BDSM as sexual power play. Power in the form of inflicting or receiving pain, instructing or being instructed, tying or being tied.
Fetishes are sexual desires mapped onto particular objects or acts. Foot fetishes are the best known, but fetishes can range from lingerie to group sex. Online, you’ll find definitions that argue a fetish is a sexual need, that people with fetishes must scratch that itch to be sexually satisfied. I disagree. People with fetishes and kinks can find full sexual satisfaction in all kinds of sexual activities.
Once, I was in my ex’s apartment with that pizza-cutter situation and knew none of this. All I knew was that I did not want to harm or be harmed, especially during sex.
My ex eased me into it. They showed me that one does not need to be incredibly experienced to try kink—they had never had penetrative sex but knew they were kinky. Their kinks involved “impact-play” (also known as spanking, etc.), BDSM, and the stimulus of that funky pizza cutter.
They started slow. They showed me a collar they wore as a choker. All black with a ring jutting out the front (for a leash, presumably). With my permission, they put the collar on me, not too tight, and pulled me into a kiss with one finger.
“So? How does that feel?”
“Yes. Again, please.”
It’s OK to be unsure. It’s OK to be inexperienced. I recommend this online BDSM test if you’re interested. It takes five minutes and turns categories within BDSM into statements with which you can agree or disagree (“I want my partner to serve me and address me as a superior,” or “I like receiving pain during sex/BDSM and seeing the results of it afterward”).
I’ve taken the test three times over the course of three years and my answers have changed every time.
Don’t worry if you don’t feel comfortable with some items on the quiz. I consider myself kinky and am thoroughly turned off by certain statements. I would not like to bend to a dom’s every whim, nor would I want a sub to serve me without question. I understand this is a valid, healthy relationship structure when implemented properly, but I don’t want that for myself.
Sexual dynamics can be contained to the bedroom. I might want someone to tell me what clothing to throw on or take off to tease them, but that doesn’t mean I want them to pick out my outfits every morning. Once I understood this balance, I became much more comfortable with kink.
I think the best part about kink is that you can open yourself up to any manner of actions, and as soon as you or one of your partners is uncomfortable, those actions cease. Kink and BDSM turn control into something fun, embodied, specific. Control becomes a series of levers and valves. You decide which levers to pull, which levers you want others to pull for you, and the valves open. Change your mind and the valves close. You control the flow of pleasure through the pipes.
There’s one more myth I have to debunk in the intro class: Kink does not arise from trauma, and not all people who are kinky have experienced trauma. This is a hurtful stereotype that reduces a broad range of private sexual interests into something we must pathologize. You may think it’s weird to want pain or other forms of stimulus during sex. That’s fine. That does not give you the right to act as an amateur psychologist.
For those who are still unconvinced as to whether or not they might be kinky, or why other people might be kinky, here’s my best shot at a defense of kink. Sex is about stimulus. It’s about experiencing the body as a body, something complex and full of nerves. Playing with the type of stimulus, the nerves, can elevate sex. Sometimes kinky sex is like spicy food. It may shock your palate at first, it may produce new sensations closer to pain, but there’s something undeniably satisfying about broadening your experience of the body.
KINK 0200: (Hand) Cuffing Szn
So you’re interested in kink and wondering where to begin. My answer may not excite you, but it’s the best one I’ve got.
Try sitting your sexual partner(s) down somewhere private and neutral and safe, somewhere you will all have ample time to explain your desires. Share a blanket. Frame questions in a way that allows everyone the opportunity to refuse. “Would you like to tell me what to do tonight?” “What do you think about blindfolding?” I’ve sent this text before a first date: “How would you feel about trying bondage tape?”
Kink is about finding common ground with your sexual partner(s). It’s about bringing excitement and a sense of discovery into sex. Some people still have plenty to be excited about in vanilla sex, and that’s fine.
If discussing kinks openly leaves you a little bit nervous, many people on XO staff recommend this quiz called MojoUpgrade. Take this quiz with a partner, and when you’re done, the site will show you both only the things both of you are interested in trying. The questions range from threesomes to specific positions.
You can try this site or go analog, as I have. I think there’s something exciting about verbalizing your fantasies to a partner. Call me old fashioned.
Planned Parenthood wrote my favorite definition of consent. Proper consent is F.R.I.E.S.: Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Engaged, and Specific. Specific is essential with kink.
Once I was on top of someone, making out with them. They moved my hand up their body. I thought they wanted it on their breast. Sure. Without saying anything, they pushed my hand up to their throat. Not sure. I tried to apply the least amount of pressure I could, as if I were picking up broken glass, but I couldn’t do it. I recoiled.
There are plenty of horror stories about unexpected kinky sex. While writing this article, I asked friends for any questions or ideas they had surrounding kink. An ex said, “I think everyone likes choking.” Another friend said, “You know when you’re doing doggy style and they pull your hair? I think they should ask me if I want that.”
We already know that someone can agree to sex and not agree to certain activities within sex. We know that checking in on our partner(s) is necessary for any sexual activity. But it bears repeating.
Here’s my innovative take on this: We can make the communication exciting.
My favorite move in the bedroom is to ask my partners to pull my hair while I go down on them. “When you like it more, pull harder,” I say. If this doesn’t work for you, you can also try giving them your hand to squeeze, or tell them to talk dirty and explain their fantasies in real time.
I like giving my partners a way to vocalize what they want without feeling like they’re critiquing me. Many people get understandably nervous about giving feedback during sex. Too much of our egos are wrapped up in our sexual prowess. We watch porn and don’t hear any feedback exchanged during the fucking, except for maybe the occasional “harder.”
I think everyone who fucks should be open to giving and receiving feedback. You are handling another person’s body. Shouldn’t feedback be a prerequisite? No matter how good I think I am in bed, I know my partner knows their body better than I do.
When someone tells me how to do whatever I’m doing better, I try to respond as if I am getting a surprise early birthday gift. Because anyone who helps you meet their needs is not only helping you please them, but probably every one of your future partners.
And unheard needs do not get met. So why not ask?
You can also consider hard and soft limits before sex. Hard limits are truths you know about yourself that cannot be negotiated. Soft limits can be negotiated, but should not be presumed negligible in the heat of the moment.
Safe words are also a thing. Personally, I don’t love safe words. I think any word or face that expresses a conjugation of no should cease whatever is going on. But sometimes they’re useful.
My favorite safe words involve traffic lights. Once, I had a partner who had some serious triggers. So we decided green light meant keep going, yellow light meant stop and reassess, red light meant get the fuck away from me. Feel free to adapt these to your needs.
If you’re into anything that would restrict the ability to speak (choking, gags, etc.) you might also want to think about nonverbal signals. You can tap out like a wrestler.
But remember: Just because someone doesn’t say the safe word doesn’t mean everything is perfect.
When I think about introducing kink into sex with partners, I think about what my ex told me when I told him I wanted him to fuck me in the ass: “Well, we’ve got to park the Prius before the eighteen-wheeler.” Starting slow makes sense.
You don’t need to buy expensive toys. All you need to try kinky sex is a willing partner. Some people just want to roleplay or dirty talk, and that you can do for free. A scarf can serve as a rope or blindfold if you tie it well.
And if you want to dabble, you can start small. Mister Sister sells $10 bondage tape that sticks only to itself.
Sex shops still make me nervous. When I walk into Mister Sister, I head straight for the counter and ask the workers where to find what I’m looking for. The people who work there are quite lovely and helpful, and much less intimidating if you talk to them.
I have a lot to say about things you can buy in sex shops, namely lube and toys.
My favorite sex shop activity is tasting lube. You have to taste your lube! Otherwise going down on people after using lube becomes a lot less pleasant.
You also have to shop for the right liquid. There are oil, silicone, and water-based lubricants. Certain lubricants react with certain materials. This chart from Buzzfeed outlines which lubricants work with which toys and acts. Quick answer: Use silicone for anal but not toys, use water or silicone for condom sex, use water for all toys (but know that it dries up quickly).
If you want to hear more about lube, I find this article helpful.
On the topic of sex toys: please clean them! Different toys require different cleaning methods, so look up which works best for yours. Check if you should boil it, wash with dish soap, or something else. But cleaning and drying are important to stave off bacteria, especially if you want to share your toys.
Some kinky friends believe once you try kink, you can’t get the same high from vanilla sex. I disagree. Kink is just one aspect of sex—it’s not everything. I like hickeys, but that doesn’t mean I need or want a hickey every time I kiss someone.
I think the kernel of truth in this myth is that bad sex becomes even more unbearable once you’ve satisfied your exact sexual fantasies. And people who engage in kink, if they do it right, must be attuned to their partner(s)’s needs. You can’t try shit that holds the capacity to harm or discomfort without checking in on all parties. Bad vanilla fucks can probably continue their bad vanilla fucking without as many necessary interventions, but people who have tried kink know the high of experiencing sex tailored to their needs.
So you can try kink and go back. Maybe you’ll raise your standards in the process, but is that really a bad thing?
From the distance of four years, I look back on the pizza-cutter situation and smile a knowing smile. I know that slowly, one fuck at a time, that past version of myself will lose a bit of innocence and gain self-knowledge in the process. That past self will learn to admit what they want because the alternative is bad sex. They will learn their kinks and turn offs the hard way. But for now, they spin the pizza cutter in their hand and laugh nervously, unsure. And that is perfectly alright. They can take their time.
AUTHOR: Joaquin Munro is Mexican & white & queer & trying to learn how to be tenderly militant. He grew up in Boston & studies creative nonfiction at Brown. His favorite spot in Providence is White Electric Coffee.
ARTIST: Elon Collins
Editor’s Note: Call for Kink-Related Questions and Stories
Dear lovely XO reader, we want to hear from you! Please submit your questions and personal experiences involving kink. We are looking for questions and tips from people with a wide range of opinions on kink, and we’re especially interested in people who have experienced kinky sex. What do you want to know about kink? What do you want other kinky people to know? Submit your ideas here and help guide future kinky XO articles.