TOXIC PARTNERS: APPLY WITHIN

The time between fall semester finals and Christmas preparations has historically been the most peaceful time of year for me. It was my time to bake to my heart’s content, sleep at the wrong hours, and scroll mindlessly through social media. If this past year has taught us anything, though, it’s that what is expected is not guaranteed. One day on Instagram, I came across a TikTok of a girl being held by her boyfriend. He didn’t appear to know she was recording, and he was doting on her, saying how much he loved her and how she was his best friend. You know, the sort of thing the internet dubs “simp shit” nowadays, as if it’s a bad thing to be loving and gentle. I personally found it endearing and assumed at first glance that it was staged, but then I realized how natural it seemed for the boyfriend to be saying those things. Either he meant what he was saying or he was an amazing actor. I sent it to my friends with a somewhat joking message: is this how healthy boyfriends talk?

This sparked a number of conversations. My friends thought that the joke was me pretending not to recognize this behavior, and I thought that the joke was how obviously faked this interaction was. Upon realizing there was a disconnect, they grew concerned. They oscillated between performing a collective analysis of my previous relationships and roasting my exes. As it turns out, the very limited experiences I had with relationships was shrouded in emotional and mental abuse. My past was marred with cheaters who gaslighted me when I tried to condemn them and boys who weren’t emotionally available in the slightest yet still held me to a higher standard, a girlfriend standard.

I assumed that boyfriends were meant to act indifferent towards their girlfriends, even on the good days. That they weren’t supposed to be mean per se, but that kindness was only reserved for special occasions. That things were supposed to be difficult more often than they were good. These things I considered commonplace were apparently abuses. When presented with the idea of an affectionate significant other, it immediately felt off-putting and unnatural—wrong, even. I wasn’t sure that I was even capable of responding well to any positive, loving, non-familial male interaction. Something like this should be second nature, should be appreciated, but it wasn’t. Just the thought of it triggered my fight-or-flight instinct.

Very rarely is one party completely innocent in a failed relationship. Surely I was at fault in some of mine, no question about it, but I hadn’t realized that toxicity had loomed over all of them. In the moment of these conversations, we were picking apart the things my exes had done, but I directed the discussion to pick apart overall toxicity. I decided in that moment that I didn’t want to endure this avoidable unhappiness and mistreatment anymore. As someone who always pushes her friends to embrace self-love and self-care, and as someone who tries to love herself however possible, this wasn’t acceptable anymore. The detailed thoughts of a healthy relationship may make me uncomfortable at times, but continuing to be mistreated is never the right option when something can be done about it. There are trademark things that make a healthy relationship, but then there are some things that you define for yourself. I set out to begin defining the traits I sought in significant others, as well as general relationship traits I hoped to find in the future:

A genuine kindness, without ulterior motives or incentives. A significant other who is only kind when they have done something wrong or when they want to unzip your pants is not genuine.
Doesn’t go days of leaving me on read or not communicating at all. One method of manipulation amongst toxic partners is withholding affection with the silent treatment— abandoning and ghosting their partner until the partner folds and conforms. Sometimes silence is because of mental health or other issues, so this can be a finicky one.
Makes me feel decent/good more often than not. This should be self-explanatory and obvious, but being treated poorly is a slippery slope. A little today can lead to a lot in a month, but you don’t realize because it “only” feels a little worse than the day before.
Doesn’t belittle me. This also should be self-explanatory and obvious, but it isn’t always. Nonstop “constructive criticism” can cause more harm than good.
Matching my effort and acknowledging the days when maybe one person needs to make a little more effort than the other because they’re not doing well. It should be 50-50 most days, but some days it will be 70-30 and others 30-70. Work on it together, and be sympathetic.
Communicating my needs is not only allowed but encouraged. One’s needs are just as important as another’s. If they are expressing theirs but you don’t have the space to express yours nor are they willing to make room for yours, run the other way. Your needs are important and valid.
Expresses concerns and insecurities without fear of retribution. You shouldn’t fear a breakup or a blow-up if you express something, but rather expect care and support.
Boundaries are set by both parties, and they are respected, not pushed. Pushing boundaries of any kind violates all levels of consent, whether physically or emotionally.
Clearly define the situation. One person being expected to be loyal while the other is holding three others to this standard is not okay. You know who you are.
Understand each other’s love languages and personality types. Understanding these allows you to cater to the affections they’ll receive well.

My friends spent the day helping me make my list between naps. They told me the stories of when they realized they decided to be treated better. Far too often, the story was of neglect and gaslighting. Some with boyfriends who expected more than they deserved and reciprocated. They shared their definitions of a healthy relationship with me as well. If you hadn’t noticed, the bar for a healthy relationship as I outline is quite literally on the floor—yet all of my friends’ lists sounded similar. The traits of a healthy relationship have become too much to ask for in the opinion of some, and rather than holding these standards despite the noise, so many have been socialized to accept these new, low standards. Even worse, as in my experiences, we endure this from a young age and never realize that there is more and better for us.

Hours before we had begun, I had an extremely skewed opinion of what a healthy relationship looked like for me. While defining mine, we realized that most of my standards derived from deciding what I didn’t want rather than by what I wanted. Knowing what you don’t want is often based on experience and on being mistreated, while knowing what you do want comes from witnessing healthy love in action. Needless to say, one is harder than the other to identify and define. Hearing and seeing examples of what my friends wanted for themselves made me realize that it should be considered normal for people to have these standards and expectations.

Healthy relationships don’t look the same for everyone. I knew when my friends were in unhealthy relationships and I always helped them navigate this, but I never noticed that mine had been unhealthy as well. Perhaps this was a result of the glamorizations of abusive relationships that run rampant on the internet these days, far too often without criticism. Perhaps this was from denial, lack of perspective, or some twisted form of teenage Stockholm Syndrome.

I no longer accept less than I deserve. This isn’t self-indulgent or high-and-mighty; this is a form of self-care. Significant others don’t owe you anything when you first meet, of course, except for basic human decency and kindness. From there, you define the relationship together. Expectations, boundaries both physical and otherwise, everything.

The line from The Perks of Being a Wallflower may seem cliché after overuse on social media in sometimes less-than-ideal contexts, but it still rings true: “We accept the love we think we deserve.” What we think we deserve and what we actually deserve are far too often different things. It is time to accept the love that we deserve. Define what healthy relationships look like for you. Don’t be afraid to call someone out on their poor behavior, including yourself. And most of all, don’t beat yourself up if you haven’t had this realization yet, or if you’re in a bad situation now. This shit is hard to notice and to come back from. When you do start demanding what you deserve, the universe will cooperate. Until then, be kind to yourself.

Learn more at:

https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/

AUTHOR: Juliette Woodcum is in her second year at Brown. She enjoys long sits on the steps of the Hay and even longer naps on any available couch.

ARTIST: MacKenzie Butler is an Illustrator finishing her third year at RISD, and she enjoys depicting the softness, the sensuality, and the intimacies of life in her work.

Juliette WoodcumXO MagazineFebruary 5, 2021