LOOKING FOR LOVE: DEVON AND COLLEEN
From a pool of Brown University applicants, we matched three pairs. We then sent them on sponsored blind dates to local businesses in Providence. After their dates, we talked to each pair about their experiences. This is XO Magazine’s Looking For Love.
On a sunny Friday afternoon in February, the week after Valentine’s Day, two Lyfts pulled up at the same time outside Three Sisters café in downtown Providence. In these Lyfts were two lovely Brown students, who we’ll call Devon and Colleen. Our Head Editor, Gabriella, was waiting for them with a homemade XO Magazine sign and ten dollars.
Devon ordered mint chocolate chip ice cream, Colleen ordered a chai, and they talked for over an hour at Three Sisters. Both say that they had a good time, that conversation flowed easily and organically. “I think we had a lot in common, and we both were just open to sharing and going with a vibe,” says Devon. Talking to Colleen gave Devon a boost of confidence: “I think I realized I may be better at talking to people than I give myself credit for! And I didn’t feel like I had to be someone or act a certain way, I think I made the conscious decision to just be myself and be straight up.” Colleen agreed that Devon was easy to talk to: “He’s a good conversationalist! It didn’t feel awkward at all. It was really fun, I think it was a good way for me to get outside of my head and just go and get to know someone.”
Devon and Colleen might both have arrived in Lyfts, but each had their own path to being set up on this blind date. For Colleen, it took a suggestion from a friend to take the plunge: “One of my friends sent me the [Looking For Love] form, saying I should do it, so it was a nice little push from them. I figured, why not?” She also mentions that she’s currently in one of those fuzzy romantic situations where it’s not defined; she’s seeing someone, but “nothing’s been said that I can’t date.” For Devon, though, this was a newer experience: “I’ve never really been on an official date,” he says. “I think I was just looking to have an experience of putting myself out there–really being open to the experience and just seeing what happens.”
Neither of them had ever been on a blind date before, but they both enjoyed the lack of expectations leading up to this experience. “I think when you know exactly who you’re going to be going out with, you have all these ideas and projections in your head about what the date is going to be,” says Colleen. “So it’s really cool to go in kind of blind.” Devon agrees, saying, “I think it added to the excitement of the date, and I also think that it helped [with nerves] because I couldn’t really manifest too many hypothetical situations. I think that was actually kind of freeing.”
While discussing their date, we got on the topic of the weird world of dating at Brown. Colleen hates the kind of quasi-dating that happens when neither person knows how serious things are: “The little fuzzy area where you’re kind of dating and talking. And everybody’s in a non-monogamous relationship.” I asked them if they would say that this phenomenon is caused by the environment at Brown, or at least in college. Devon thinks so: “This place is so specific–so many people around you, all the same age as you, but you’re all incredibly busy. So that part of your life, love relationships, you have to fit it into your Google Calendar. It’s like I need to fit this central part of human existence into my life, but how am I gonna do that?” Colleen added a dating strategy used by one of her friends to keep things from getting too serious: “She has this rule for hookups–she’s like, ‘you can’t laugh.’ If you laugh with someone, that’s it.”
It does feel like everyone in college is non-monogamous, but I started to wonder whether this is an active or passive choice. I know several people who’ve unwillingly become part of a non-monogamous relationship because the person they were seeing didn’t want to commit, or because neither person knew how to ask for a definition of their status. Of course, polyamory and general non-monogamy are valid relationship styles, but like any type of relationship, they require communication and effort in order to function in a healthy way. Non-monogamy à la college, on the other hand, is often characterized by a lack of communication–almost a laziness. Are we conscientiously choosing to have open, undefined relationships, to have sex with other people, or is that just the path of least resistance? And when we make this choice, are we talking about it with our partners? Non-monogamy seems to be the easy option for busy, emotionally drained students.
As Devon says, dating in college is so difficult because everyone is slogging through bloated schedules on red-eye amounts of sleep. Romance becomes a cost-benefit analysis: Is it worth it to go on this date when I could be doing homework, or earning money at work, or organizing a club event, or even just taking advantage of free time by hanging out with friends? Not to mention that an actual relationship takes far more time than just a few dates–and you can’t put it on your resume. Most people won’t get into serious relationships while in college, so is there any point to going on a date if it’s not going to lead to anything?
Obviously, dating casually can be fun: companionship, sex, and conversation with no promises. A lot of people go on Tinder date after Tinder date, never with the same person, just for kicks or to meet new people. Or they apply to be matched with a stranger for a blind date. But you can get companionship and fun from your friends, and you can get sex without going on a date. I think there’s another purpose to dating in college, one that makes the time spent in coffee shops and ice cream places worth it. Dating, whether subconsciously or explicitly, is a means of personal growth. It’s selfish. We date to find out what we like: the kinds of personalities we’re compatible with, the sex positions we prefer, the best time and location for a second date. We date to practice dating, to come up with the best conversation starters and deep questions, to exercise small-talk muscles and remember how to keep an open mind. We date to get experience and funny stories and excuses to get off campus.
Dating in college might be a mostly selfish endeavor, but that doesn’t make it a bad thing. Devon and Colleen were both just looking for a fun time, and they walked away from Three Sisters with some more knowledge about themselves: Devon learned to be confident that he’s a great conversationalist on a date, and Colleen figured out that she likes how blind dates prevent her from forming preconceived expectations. Isn’t that what college is about, anyway–getting to know yourself better?
So, dating is a selfish pastime. But I’m going to contradict myself here–I think it also can be incredibly unselfish. A date (at least a good one) is time spent listening to someone else, empathizing with them, seeing things from their point of view. Getting out of your own head for a little while. We set aside time for casual, one-off dates in order to get practice, but at the end of the day, we’re carving out nuggets of human connection against the cold Google Calendar wall. That’s worth an hour and five dollars on a latte, if you ask me.
So, will Devon and Colleen stay in touch? They both say that they might talk again or become friends, but it’s unlikely that anything romantic will come of it. Love might not have been found, but Devon and Colleen would recommend this experience as an engaging way to meet someone new and try out dating. We left the room where I was interviewing them, and they were laughing and catching up about a club event they’re both going to be involved in, walking together out into the February afternoon.
AUTHOR: Zoe Boggs is a Brown student in the class of 2022. She studies history, and when she's not writing for XO, she's a staff writer for the Brown music department. She loves the XO staff members, baking, eating Southern food, and reading short stories!
ARTWORK: Maegan Murphy